What happened to me this afternoon really surprised me and shook me a bit. I was sitting on the floor playing with the girls and I looked over at Emerson. She was simply sitting on the floor, looking absolutely adorable, paging through a book. Out of nowhere, I started bawling. I ran to the bathroom so that the girls wouldn't notice and I was overcome by feelings of heartbreaking sadness. I was simply watching an adorable 22 month old little girl look at a book and feeling devastated. I was feeling devastated because of all the hopes and dreams that everyone has for their children that are so unrealistic for me to dream for her. I was looking at her thinking that I love her so incredibly much and how unfair it is for her. What a raw deal she got. How unfair. How maddening. She has no idea. Right now she just looks beautiful, perfect, content, and happy reading her book. My heart feels like it is going to explode. Nothing is ever going to be easy for her. We are working so hard to walk and to talk and after that there is more, more, more. We will be working hard for so many years to come on so many things. On everything. I'm so sad for her, for the life that she won't know. She was sitting there looking so adorable and lovable and all I'm feeling is complete devastation. I haven't felt this much grief since she was first diagnosed. The phone rang while I was bawling and it was my best friend. I didn't pick up. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. My heart is broken for my child and they won't understand, can't understand. I cried in the bathroom and prayed to God for some clarity. Some way to breathe again and return to my kids. I called out to Ella that I was going to get the mail. I needed fresh air. I grabbed the mail and ran inside. I have no doubt that when I looked down God was sending me a message. We received a newsletter in the mail and there was a poem on the front page that caught my eye.
by Charles Swindoll
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Okay. I am listening and am open. I have had a great attitude about this whole WS thing. I have not let it get me down. I know that our journey with Emerson is not going to be easy, but I am not going to let it change me, my disposition, my overall attitude on life. We all have one shot at this and I am going to make my life matter, be meaningful, and most importantly be filled with love and happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I did continue to feel this pain, sadness, and pit in my stomach for the rest of the evening. I have cried now most of the night. I cried so much I have a pounding headache. I watched reality TV and ate nachos for dinner. Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new fresh day with a new attitude. I felt this grief consuming pit and will not be sucked into it. It is awful and no place for me. I want my life to be happy and fulfilled. I want my children to be happy, no more. If they are happy, I am happy. Wish me luck, but I do know that God is looking out for me.