Sad
What happened to me this afternoon really surprised me and shook me a bit. I was sitting on the floor playing with the girls and I looked over at Emerson. She was simply sitting on the floor, looking absolutely adorable, paging through a book. Out of nowhere, I started bawling. I ran to the bathroom so that the girls wouldn't notice and I was overcome by feelings of heartbreaking sadness. I was simply watching an adorable 22 month old little girl look at a book and feeling devastated. I was feeling devastated because of all the hopes and dreams that everyone has for their children that are so unrealistic for me to dream for her. I was looking at her thinking that I love her so incredibly much and how unfair it is for her. What a raw deal she got. How unfair. How maddening. She has no idea. Right now she just looks beautiful, perfect, content, and happy reading her book. My heart feels like it is going to explode. Nothing is ever going to be easy for her. We are working so hard to walk and to talk and after that there is more, more, more. We will be working hard for so many years to come on so many things. On everything. I'm so sad for her, for the life that she won't know. She was sitting there looking so adorable and lovable and all I'm feeling is complete devastation. I haven't felt this much grief since she was first diagnosed. The phone rang while I was bawling and it was my best friend. I didn't pick up. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. My heart is broken for my child and they won't understand, can't understand. I cried in the bathroom and prayed to God for some clarity. Some way to breathe again and return to my kids. I called out to Ella that I was going to get the mail. I needed fresh air. I grabbed the mail and ran inside. I have no doubt that when I looked down God was sending me a message. We received a newsletter in the mail and there was a poem on the front page that caught my eye.
Attitude
by Charles Swindoll
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Okay. I am listening and am open. I have had a great attitude about this whole WS thing. I have not let it get me down. I know that our journey with Emerson is not going to be easy, but I am not going to let it change me, my disposition, my overall attitude on life. We all have one shot at this and I am going to make my life matter, be meaningful, and most importantly be filled with love and happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I did continue to feel this pain, sadness, and pit in my stomach for the rest of the evening. I have cried now most of the night. I cried so much I have a pounding headache. I watched reality TV and ate nachos for dinner. Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new fresh day with a new attitude. I felt this grief consuming pit and will not be sucked into it. It is awful and no place for me. I want my life to be happy and fulfilled. I want my children to be happy, no more. If they are happy, I am happy. Wish me luck, but I do know that God is looking out for me.
Attitude
by Charles Swindoll
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Okay. I am listening and am open. I have had a great attitude about this whole WS thing. I have not let it get me down. I know that our journey with Emerson is not going to be easy, but I am not going to let it change me, my disposition, my overall attitude on life. We all have one shot at this and I am going to make my life matter, be meaningful, and most importantly be filled with love and happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I did continue to feel this pain, sadness, and pit in my stomach for the rest of the evening. I have cried now most of the night. I cried so much I have a pounding headache. I watched reality TV and ate nachos for dinner. Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new fresh day with a new attitude. I felt this grief consuming pit and will not be sucked into it. It is awful and no place for me. I want my life to be happy and fulfilled. I want my children to be happy, no more. If they are happy, I am happy. Wish me luck, but I do know that God is looking out for me.
posted by Nicole | 7:39 PM
9 Comments:
Nicole- I am where you are. I, too, have a positive outlook and am generally optimistic about everything. Sometimes though I do catch myself wondering how different everything would have been if Brady didn't have WS -- for him, for his brother, for us. Sometimes it is overwhelming. I always pick myself up... but that thought does come into play now and then. I also realize I would probably entertain thoughts of "What if..." no matter what our circumstances were - if we had more money, if I had more relatives close by, if Tom's mother hadn't died, etc.
I hope you felt better after crying.. sometimes it is just the release we need! :) Thinking of you~
Nicole, I just went through something similar for a few days. It's really hard being in that place and I know that with a death of a dream, it's normal and natural to have those moments of devastation and I think it's really important to let yourself feel it. At least for me, I know I need to feel it in order to move through it. I think those feelings are always there on the backburner and if someone starts asking me questions about Connor, I can be moved to tears in a matter of seconds, but usually, most days, I can stay focused on his amazing personality, the happiness that just exudes from him, his smile...I'll be thinking of you.
Nicole I too try to stay positive, but I am actually struggling right now with the same issues and thoughts. It is just easier and less stressful to take it day by day. When I think about the future I get very overwhelmed. You are in my prayers. We are all in this together. I believe our kids will be happy if we are.
I think this time of year makes us all reflect. Maybe it is all the talk of revisiting past events of the year and so you do it in your own life too. It is hard to look at your child and not want to protect than and make life easier than, make this just come naturally like thay do for most people. I too have been feeling this way lately. Abi's birthday comes up and it is very hard to think what if WS hadn't been a part of her life. What would be then? I agree that what you make of it has everything to do with attitude. Thank you for sharing the poem. I am going to print it out and stick it up!
Love the pictures of the "Princesses"!!!
Noel
I get sad for Caleb too. Not for myself. Then I look at him, still at this age, and he is completely happy with who he is. He doesn't care that some things are harder for him. He amazes me. He doesn't feel the way I do. He is never sad about being Caleb, or having WS. He lives for today, I try to do the same. It's not easy, but I try.
Great poem. So true.
Nicole,
We all have these days and probably will always have days that sneak up on his and steal our joy for a brief period.
Remember that Emerson will give you gifts that no one else can. She will teach you things that no one else will. She will teach you patience, strength, courage, faith, tolerance and best of all an unconditional love. You will look at life differently now and will appreciate the little things that most people and most parents take for granted.
Grieve your losses AND celebrate the joy she brings you.
Thinking of you and hoping that you get through this time soon.
I am having trouble finding the right words, i guess everyone else has summed it up so nicely. I think that no matter what is said and how wonderful things are a little part of us will always wonder what might have been, i know it doesnt take much to make me cry these days, they have such a beautiful innocence, it should make me smile but instead it breaks my heart.
Emmerson is so beautiful and you can rest assured that wherever she goes in life she will always have a wonderful family and friend support network around her.
take care,
xxoo
I hear ya!!
95% of the time I keep a positive attitude regarding WS and how it effects Michaela. I do wonder what she thinks about it all, though.
Right now, I'm not so positive about it. When the medical stuff starts to effect her or cause her pain, it makes me very angry.
Hi Nicole-I'm behind on reading blogs but I do hope that you are doing better. I have days where all of a sudden I get really down. It's hard for me to snap out of it sometimes. I appreciate this post on attitude, though. I needed to read that. I think so often I cry for Payton not having the life I dreamed for her....but she's happy, and the dreams I had for her may not be the dreams she had for herself....she is who God wanted her to be and I need to have joy with that.
Thinking of you!!!!
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