Sharing some thoughts
I haven't posted in awhile now. I have tried, but everytime I have sat down at the computer and have caught up on the other blogs and the listserve I have been too emotional. I end up just stepping away from the computer, taking some deep breaths, trying my best to hold back tears, and putting on a smile and happy face so I can be a good mom to my girls. Everything that is happening to little Gage is just tough. He has been in my thoughts and prayers since finding out all that he has been through. I pray for continued strength to him and to his family. Please see Nancy's blog titled "Erik" for details on Gage. Life is so fragile. I really just look at Emerson and think "Who cares if she has WS, I can handle that. Please let her heart be strong and let there be no hidden problems that are being missed!" I pray for all of my blogger friend's children that they remain safe, healthy and strong. All we can do is have faith.
I then read Nancy's blog titled "Can" and watched the video (it did take me 3 times to get through it). How incredibly inspiring. It makes me want to be the best person I can and do everything humanly possible for both of my children. What an amazing father, I just want to give him a big hug.
This blog is challenging for me at times like this because I am the type of person that holds everything in. I am not outwardly very emotional. Speaking or writing down how I feel does not come naturally or easily for me. I am jealous of the ease with which some of the other blogs appear to be written so openly and honestly. I am slowly beginning to realize that keeping in emotions (particularly huge emotions when it comes to Emerson and her WS) is so unhealthy. It has slapped me in the face recently when I had to go on a beta-blocker because I have been having such severe heart palpatations. I wore a holter monitor for 24 hours and had 4500 extra heartbeats in that time frame. Not good. I am coming to the conclusion that I need outlets for my emotions and how I feel. I need to have a place to worry and seek solice. On the other hand, I know that I am a true optimist at heart. I will always try to look for the silver lining and want to see positive at the end of the day. So I hope I've provided some insight into me and why I don't post as often as I think I should or would like to. I am definitely taking better care of myself lately. I am making sure to get time away from the girls. I'm taking yoga. I'm trying to read more. And most importantly, I'm trying to see Emerson for just her and not always her WS. I am actually trying to think about WS less. I know that may become harder to do in the future. For right now, she is a happy baby and has been such a joy lately. I am more in love everyday.
Cute Emerson Story: Emerson has been smiling for a few months, but only unsolicited for the past few weeks. The whole family usually acts like complete morons to get one of her beautiful smiles. Well lately, I've been noticing that she is giving the biggest smiles to someone special all on her own. Who is the object of her affection? Newman, the family dog. When he lumbers into a room she smiles, giggles and then turns away shyly. Yes, she even flirts with him. What does he do to deserve this unsolicited affection. Well, he knocks her over, licks the drool from her chin, rests his massive head on her butt, and steals her biter biscuit when she's not keeping a close eye on it. Apparently the rest of the family needs to change their approach.
I then read Nancy's blog titled "Can" and watched the video (it did take me 3 times to get through it). How incredibly inspiring. It makes me want to be the best person I can and do everything humanly possible for both of my children. What an amazing father, I just want to give him a big hug.
This blog is challenging for me at times like this because I am the type of person that holds everything in. I am not outwardly very emotional. Speaking or writing down how I feel does not come naturally or easily for me. I am jealous of the ease with which some of the other blogs appear to be written so openly and honestly. I am slowly beginning to realize that keeping in emotions (particularly huge emotions when it comes to Emerson and her WS) is so unhealthy. It has slapped me in the face recently when I had to go on a beta-blocker because I have been having such severe heart palpatations. I wore a holter monitor for 24 hours and had 4500 extra heartbeats in that time frame. Not good. I am coming to the conclusion that I need outlets for my emotions and how I feel. I need to have a place to worry and seek solice. On the other hand, I know that I am a true optimist at heart. I will always try to look for the silver lining and want to see positive at the end of the day. So I hope I've provided some insight into me and why I don't post as often as I think I should or would like to. I am definitely taking better care of myself lately. I am making sure to get time away from the girls. I'm taking yoga. I'm trying to read more. And most importantly, I'm trying to see Emerson for just her and not always her WS. I am actually trying to think about WS less. I know that may become harder to do in the future. For right now, she is a happy baby and has been such a joy lately. I am more in love everyday.
Cute Emerson Story: Emerson has been smiling for a few months, but only unsolicited for the past few weeks. The whole family usually acts like complete morons to get one of her beautiful smiles. Well lately, I've been noticing that she is giving the biggest smiles to someone special all on her own. Who is the object of her affection? Newman, the family dog. When he lumbers into a room she smiles, giggles and then turns away shyly. Yes, she even flirts with him. What does he do to deserve this unsolicited affection. Well, he knocks her over, licks the drool from her chin, rests his massive head on her butt, and steals her biter biscuit when she's not keeping a close eye on it. Apparently the rest of the family needs to change their approach.
posted by Nicole | 7:18 PM
5 Comments:
What a great Emerson story! They probably have a little language all their own.
Blogging for everyone is different. Having the outlet there for when you need to vent is great. Having people around your blog who understand whwat you're going through is better even. SOmetimes I feel better just reading othe people's blogs. Sometimes their words are my own. However you receive solace is the best. Sometimes you write once a month, sometimes it's twice a day. Everyone in this blogging world is here for you for whenever. What you write doesn't have to make perfect sense.
I am an optimist too, and hearing about other's achievements help me realize Brady will get there when he gets there. In the meantime I just enjoy my baby a little longer :)
I just love the Emerson story! I honestly believe that children and pets have a sense of belonging that adults will never understand. I also believe the same goes for children and the elderly. We will never know for sure, but the connection is undeniable.
Take blogging one day at a time. For me, it is/was very therapeutic and without all my blogging friends, I am just not sure I would have survived the first year after our diagnosis.
We are glad you are here and will support you anytime anywhere!
LOVE!
Nicole,
Just take it one day at a time, be smart and be loving and that is all your daughters' need from you for them to succeed at whatever they want to do. Just love and support, something I can tell you are a real pro at giving!
XOXO
Amy
I am glad you are opening up to us, Nicole (and the world!). I am a private person, too, so it was hard for me to share all these deep, dark thoughts and feelings at first. But after 18 months, it's like second nature and I need it! I don't care if many others don't understand where I am coming from because I know you mommies are out there who do!
I am so happy to have met you, at least in the blog world. You are contributing so much with anything you share with us, even if it seems like you don't say much. Trust me...you are.
Blogging is first and foremost for YOU. You write if it makes you feel better and don't if you don't feel up to it.
Erik smiles at the cat. It's kind of lost on her, especially since she is not a friendly kitty.
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